I Need You. Hold On.

Sometimes Heavenly Father lets you know He’s there when you least expect it and when you least realize you need it. The Spirit has a way of speaking to minds and hearts that I will never fully understand or be able to appreciate, but I get closer in moments like this.

It’s been a week. Let me just be frank and say that something happened with a boy this week that has made me very sad and reminded me once again that without some sort of relationship drama in my head, I am forced to face the vast emptiness of the void and the ever-present self-criticizing thoughts of having no worth or purpose. For some people, not having a purpose is not a problem. It makes things easier, and I guess in a way I can sort of get that, but I’m not that way. Perhaps it comes from the firm belief that we all have a purpose, and I know that each one is important, and I am constantly vigilant to make sure I am fulfilling mine.

I know that thoughts that I don’t have a purpose come from Satan because fortunately, I have come from a very dark place into a place of light and have been surrounded in the moments when it counted the most by people and influences that assured me that not only do I have a purpose, but I’ve got an important purpose.

But on nights like tonight, when it feels like the people I’m trying to care about don’t want me to care about them, or don’t care that I do because I’m not the right person; on nights like tonight when I’m just tired of losing and tired of starting over and tired of the game; on nights like tonight when I’ve done all I could to distract myself all day only to find myself so spiritually and mentally tired that I am listening strictly to hymns on the way home; it’s on nights like tonight that Heavenly Father reminds me that He is there and that there is a reason that I am here, even if the grand plan hasn’t quite made itself apparent yet.

I was driving home when the song “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go” came on. As a former missionary and having found myself in many unique service positions, I have a history with this song. It began to play when I was half a mile from home.

I also have a history with stopping for people on the side of the road. It was 8:30pm, and lemme tell ya, it’s cold. It’s actually beginning to snow as I sit here in my car.

But as this song began to play, I rounded a corner and started up the final hill before my final stretch. Somebody, definitely an adult with a hood shading their face so I couldn’t tell whether they were female or male, but an adult, certainly older than I. Usually I wouldn’t stop for somebody of this nature in this situation, but as the song played and I neared the last turn, I had to go back. I didn’t figure much would happen, but I had to go back.

I flipped a u-turn and went back. I still couldn’t tell what gender or much else about the person, but I had to stop. I flipped another u-turn and signaled as I approached them, rolling down the window.

The stranger stopped as I came to a halt and I saw that he was a man, probably mid 50’s.

“Are you doing alright?”

He didn’t hear me and came right up to the window.

“Are you doing alright?” I repeated.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”

He was clutching a large thermos in one hand and failing at hiding a beer with his other.

“Are you going far?”

The man’s eyes were wide with surprise as I spoke to him.

“Just another block or so, not too far, thank you for pulling over. Thank you.” He began to step away.

“Alright, have a good night,” I said. I rolled up the window and kept on toward home.

And then I lost it.

Usually I see myself as the helper when I stop, but I realized that Heavenly Father had put that man there to help me. Thoughts of what I am supposed to be doing with my life and that I really am unskilled and useless had been rolling around in my mind the whole ride home, but they were wiped away in an instant. Two very clear phrases came to mind.

I need you. Hold on.

Clearer than a Colorado sky (definitely clearer than a Utah sky, especially today’s).

I need you. Hold on.

If there is one thing I will always do, it is follow a prompting to stop for someone on the side of the road. Maybe that’s what Heavenly Father needs from me; maybe it’s something more, but more than that, He knew what I needed in that moment. To be reminded of who I am, of what I do that nobody else does, and to be reminded that I am needed.

We all do something that nobody else does; we all have something about us that is totally unique to us. It all fits together in our Father’s great plan; every single one of us is needed to turn all the cogs in the clock.

I am needed. I have a purpose. Perhaps right now I’m practicing for something bigger; being perfected for some future moment. I just need to hold on.

I didn’t necessarily intend to give the man a ride (I have some sense of self-preservation still), and I don’t think he intended to accept one, but maybe he was having a similar day to mine? Maybe me pulling over and acknowledging his presence on the planet was more attention than he had gotten all day? I’ll probably never know. But I know when Heavenly Father sends angels my way and I can only hope to be one of those angels for somebody else by following promptings, doing what is right, and loving everybody with whom I come into contact.

It might not make a difference to me, but it could make a world of difference to someone else.

Stay on the Line, Help is on the Way

((I’m sorry if this ends up being formatted or colored incorrectly; my computer has been dead for months, so I’m creating this post on a non-mobile friendly platform from a mobile device 😅))

This was not in my plans for today. This post was not going to happen; I had no intention of getting home and feeling the need to just sit and process and eventually write.

Throughout my life, I have been consistently bugged by a certain Spirit that causes me to pull over when I see someone walking or wheeling along the sidewalk, or the dirt shoulder, or sitting in the parking lot, and ask if they are in need of help. 99 times out of 100 I end up passing by when this feeling strikes, and almost every time I find myself weaving my way back to where I saw them either to see that they are gone, or to speak to them and them not need anything, or to just chicken out and drive past yet again. I’ve gotten accustomed to the pull of this feeling and despite knowing that I’ll probably never actually come across a person in real need, I always heed the feeling, just in case. 

Today when I got off work, the highway was backed up BAD, and I wasn’t about to deal with it, so I pulled off and decided to take the long way home over Traverse Mountain and through Lehi. As I came down the mountain, I decided I would stay on the back roads and go through Highland, where I’ve never driven before.

I promise, I’m really not a creep, but I definitely pay attention to the people I drive past. Being a single young woman and having a will to live, there are only certain types of people I feel comfortable approaching, so when I drove past a younger-than-me woman toting several bags, she definitely looked like a person I would be able to approach alone. 

Usually this is when the feeling would slap me, but honestly, I didn’t really feel anything. I just thought, “boy, if she were in need of help, I would actually be able to!” 

I drove past her and then thought, “Well... what if she is in need of help?”

The feeling tugged a little bit, but not enough for me to turn around. I drove another mile or two when I thought, “I’m just a few miles from home, I won’t even remember I drove past her in a few hours.”

But... I knew that was a lie. 

So, now several miles away, I took the next chance to turn around. I got lost on some back road and got trapped on a one way street going over a bunch of speed bumps and lemme tell ya, by the time I was back to the main road where I had seen her, I was about ready to just go home. 

Then I had to make a left hand turn over four lanes of traffic in Utah (the worst place in the entire world to make a left hand turn) but miraculously, both directions were clear when I reached the stop sign. I took the turn, drove down the road a bit, looking left where I had seen her, and thought she had disappeared, until suddenly I saw her on my right, too late to stop though. 

I thought, well, I’ll never be able to reach her now, I would have to go BACK around and do another u-turn to be on the right side of the road to pull over, so I resolved to just take a right ahead and see if my GPS could direct me home. 

I took the right. 

And then I grit my teeth and huffed... and took another right so that I could turn around and pass by her again. 

I came out of a neighborhood on the wrong side of her, seeing as she was now sitting at a bus stop and thought, “See, she has a ride! She doesn’t need anything!” I would have had to take another left over four lanes of traffic, then a u-turn over that same traffic and then pull over in order to get to her. 

Honestly at that point, it wasn’t even about helping her anymore, it had become a competition. How many obstacles can Elizabeth dodge before she tires of the game and goes home? 

Well my Momma didn’t raise no quitter.

So you better believe I did TWO MORE LEFT TURNS over FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC because I couldn’t legally do a u-turn and had to turn into another neighborhood. 

I was preparing myself for the usual conversation as I finally rounded the corner toward her:

“Hi! Do you need a ride somewhere?”

“No, thanks!”

“Okay, have a good one!”

And then I would drive home, but at least I wouldn’t ever have to wonder if she had needed something.

I turned my hazards on and rolled down my window as I rolled to a stop in front of her. She stood up immediately and I asked if she needed a ride somewhere. 

A few half-formed sentences fell out of her mouth before she started crying and climbed into my car with all her things. 

“My mom just kicked me out because I’m pregnant.”

I sat somewhat in unbelief as she poured out her heart to me for several moments. She collected herself after a second and said she needed to get to the Trax station. 

I started in that direction and asked her if she had somewhere to stay, if she had support. She did. She explained the full situation to me and I wish I had had better words. I wish I had known what to say, but I didn’t. 

I heard a story recently of a man who was present as his neighbor’s house burned down. To paraphrase: all you can do when someone’s house is burning down is stand beside them and watch. 

I understood that feeling a lot more in that moment, and I hope that my lack of profound advice wasn’t detrimental, but all I could do was sit beside her and listen. 

I gave her my contact information and she thanked me as she got out at the station. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again or if she’ll ever contact me, but I do know I had a profound realization as I drove home.

This situation put a lot of things in perspective for me. Of all the days of the week for the highway to be backed up, it was today, Wednesday. Of all the days for me to decide I could use the scenic view on top of the mountain, it was today. Of all three of the routes my GPS presented me with, I chose the one that would have me pass by this young woman. Of all the other people I passed along the way, I saw her. Of all the times I had to circle back around, I didn’t stop. Of all the personalities I could have developed over my life, I developed one that isn’t afraid to talk to strangers or take the long way home. Of all the times I ever felt the tug to stop for someone, it was this time that I acted almost more out of habit than of being compelled to.

The point is, somehow, I was brought to that moment and that girl at the time she needed it. 

Call it fate if you will, but for me, if that’s not proof enough that God exists and that He is mindful of each and every one of His children, I don’t know what is. 

I’ve been struggling feeling like I have any sort of purpose over the past couple of years, but even if all of my struggles and all of the bumps and bruises along this path, even if not being able to go to school, losing family members, not being able to join the Army, getting shingles, moving to Utah against my will and being almost constantly lonely, even if this whole crazy ride was just so that I would end up on that road today helping that one young woman to not feel so alone, it would be worth it.

Our Savior did a lot more than that for each and every single one of us and not just in order to give us a ride to the Trax station; He did it to save us from death, both physical and spiritual, and provide a way back to our earthly and heavenly families for all eternity. Even if He had suffered all that He did for just one of us, I know He would feel the same way. It would be worth it.

You are worth it. You are worth EVERYTHING to the Lord. Even when that is hard to hear, even when you feel bitter and angry, please try to remember this. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and He wants to help us. Sometimes help just gets a little lost along the way; sometimes help has to make three left turns over four lanes of traffic in Utah, but help is on the way. I promise. Keep praying and hoping and searching for whatever it is you need; Heavenly Father loves you and He hears you. Just hold on.