I Know I Don't Know

     Disclaimer: The audience for this piece is people affiliated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it is written using specific terminology familiar mostly to church members, but anyone is welcome to read it and I am happy to explain anything you may have questions about if you just DM me, or you can always use the search bar on www.churchofjesuschrist.org if you prefer an anonymous approach 😊

 

Several months ago, I went to a small institute class for the first time, having just visited the temple a few days prior and with some questions on my mind. At some point, the instructor opened up the class for discussion of our personal studies and queries and I made mine.

“If Elohim gave two contradicting commandments in the Garden of Eden, what is to say that He hasn’t given us contradicting commandments now?”

The instructor asked me to clarify, and I described my understanding of the commandments given in the Garden. One was not to partake of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; the other was to multiply and replenish the Earth. If they were to partake of the fruit, they would have knowledge and be in the position of being able to multiply and replenish the Earth, however, so long as they did not eat of the fruit, they would not be in the position of being able to multiply and replenish the Earth. One could not be accomplished without neglecting the other.

I had been pondering on the question deeply for days and posed it more looking for confirmation of my theory than anything, since it seemed and still seems to make the most sense to me, especially given the contradictions that I encounter at church regularly and more frequently it seems recently, e.g.:

    ‘You are unique and your spirit is distinctive… but you won’t make it to exaltation without a partner!’

    ‘Women are essential and powerful at church… but they cannot hold callings with seats on the stand!’

    ‘Don’t judge others for their sins… but make sure you don’t support them either!’

    ‘Be humble and modest… but make sure you follow the dress code for Sunday!’

    ‘Love your neighbor and be a peacemaker… but make sure to cause contention telling them they’re sinners!’

These are exaggerated for simplicity’s sake and some stem from culture rather than doctrine (we can talk about Nephi and Laban if you’d like, or polygamy, or black people and the priesthood), but I know I am not alone in having witnessed or heard similar ideas expressed.

Besides these contradictions, I personally struggle with the contradiction I face regarding motherhood and singledom. Though I strive to keep a healthy body and mind and have dreams of growing roots someday, everything I’ve read has told me I would not be supported by the church if I were to adopt a child by myself or with a co-parent, even as much as members of the church are pushed to grow their families and protect children.

Though I didn’t specify all this to the instructor, I did clarify what I meant, and he came back with an answer that I continue to puzzle about occasionally.

The instructor was rather adamant in his denial that contradictions could exist amongst the commandments and pointed out that if there were contradictory commandments, we would live in a hopeless world; none of us would have any hope of being able to keep them all; none of us would have any hope of being completely clean.

I puzzle at this because, well… isn’t that kind of the whole point of having and believing in a Savior? Isn’t the entire idea of Jesus Christ that we cannot be clean, we cannot enter God’s presence without employing His Everlasting Atonement? Isn’t that what gives us hope? Believing that there could not be contradictory commandments simply because then it would be impossible for us to return to Heavenly Father on our own is to say that in theory, any one of us could have enacted the Atonement if we had just tried harder.

But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

As I watched general conference over this last weekend, I did everything I could to take the conference for what it is. Many times, I find myself looking for some grand change in church policy during conference, and though that would be the place to find it if something like that were to happen, the reality is that more than anything else, conference is advertised as an opportunity to hear inspired messages from church leaders and receive personal revelation through prayer and seeking of the Holy Spirit. I find myself looking for something that is not there, like opening a Brandon Sanderson novel hoping I’ll find a Colleen Hoover one instead.

(I’ve actually never read either of those authors lol don’t come for me)

What I learned as I tried to take conference for what it is rather than waiting with bated breath for earth-shattering announcements (though I was tempted), was that the Lord does give personal and individual revelation and that I am going to be okay.

With the understanding that I have contradictions and ambiguity heavy on the mind lately, here are some of the things that I’ve felt prompted to comment on.

One of the speakers shared about the idea of absolute truth and the denial of such by current generations. I believe that there are ‘absolute truths’ in the world and in the gospel. Among these truths are the following:

    1.       There is a God.

    2.       I’m not Him lol

    3.       None of y’all are Him either

Call it a lack of faith or a lack of understanding or a learning opportunity, call it whatever you will, but I am of the firm belief that anybody claiming to know exactly what God meant, means, or will mean is possibly at risk of thinking a little too highly of themself. I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; I saw what happened to Cate Blanchett when she asked the aliens to know everything. Girlie pop got INCINERATED. I don’t usually take my gospel advice from Indiana Jones but like… sometimes.

What I’m getting at is that of all the ‘absolute truths’ there could be, I lean on the knowledge that none of us as mortals will ever comprehend the full will of God. Every one of us, including God’s prophet, learns step by step, line upon line, precept upon precept. We are not given meat before we are able to chew; we are not asked to run faster than we are able. Though I do believe that God calls a mouthpiece to direct and facilitate church proceedings, I also believe that those seers and revelators are mortals and susceptible to implicit bias amongst other things. I believe that God will not reveal precious truths to a people who is not prepared for them (Law of Moses anyone?); I believe that God will not cast His pearls before swine.

Though I’m sure my rhetoric hints at it, I am of course getting to one of the most blatantly apparent contradictions on my mind: the complex relationship between the church and any person that does not identify as cis-gendered and heterosexual.

Let me be very clear about this: I love and stand with all my siblings in this earthly family. I will be at your same-sex wedding (whether you like it or not lol), I will use your pronouns (everyone has them!), and I will forget your dead name (and your real name lol my bad). And furthermore, I will never judge a person for the way they handle their intersection of church and identity. It has never been my job to judge; it has always been my job to love. I don’t intend to take up the former appointment anytime soon.

I struggle with this topic. I struggle feeling complete faith in the way the church works currently in regards to the LGBTQIA+ community. I struggle to believe that our doctrinal knowledge of identity is complete.

I hear a lot of people tell me not to lean on my hope of further knowledge being revealed; on my hope of a different future for my siblings on earth, and to them I would like to simply say: I think I will, actually. Because what is the gospel if not hope? Ether 12:4: “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world[…].”

I choose to live with hope. I choose to live with understanding and acceptance and in solidarity with every person who has lost theirs. I choose to live with my heart on my sleeve and my doors wide open. I choose to omit discussion of my religion where it causes pain. I choose the first two commandments over the rest of them any day.

Does that make me a sinner? Probably.

Does it make me a saint? I mean… like maybe a little tiny bit, you know? I think there’s as much saint in everyone as there is sinner.

And I think it’s fruitless to compare who is getting the best grade when we’re all taking different tests. I think it’s naïve to assume we’re even in the same class.

If you know me, you know I could go on yapping for days, but I think it’s best to do these kinds of things in doses, so I’ll stop there. Only way I’ll judge any of you is if you read this whole thing. Y’all crazy! For real though, I always welcome feedback and am happy to discuss any part of this more in depth (over a longer time period with breaks for mental and spiritual clarity lol) whether privately or in the comments.

Big love to all! I know that God loves us. I know that Jesus lives. I know the Spirit guides us. And I know that I don’t know 😊