I Need You. Hold On.

Sometimes Heavenly Father lets you know He’s there when you least expect it and when you least realize you need it. The Spirit has a way of speaking to minds and hearts that I will never fully understand or be able to appreciate, but I get closer in moments like this.

It’s been a week. Let me just be frank and say that something happened with a boy this week that has made me very sad and reminded me once again that without some sort of relationship drama in my head, I am forced to face the vast emptiness of the void and the ever-present self-criticizing thoughts of having no worth or purpose. For some people, not having a purpose is not a problem. It makes things easier, and I guess in a way I can sort of get that, but I’m not that way. Perhaps it comes from the firm belief that we all have a purpose, and I know that each one is important, and I am constantly vigilant to make sure I am fulfilling mine.

I know that thoughts that I don’t have a purpose come from Satan because fortunately, I have come from a very dark place into a place of light and have been surrounded in the moments when it counted the most by people and influences that assured me that not only do I have a purpose, but I’ve got an important purpose.

But on nights like tonight, when it feels like the people I’m trying to care about don’t want me to care about them, or don’t care that I do because I’m not the right person; on nights like tonight when I’m just tired of losing and tired of starting over and tired of the game; on nights like tonight when I’ve done all I could to distract myself all day only to find myself so spiritually and mentally tired that I am listening strictly to hymns on the way home; it’s on nights like tonight that Heavenly Father reminds me that He is there and that there is a reason that I am here, even if the grand plan hasn’t quite made itself apparent yet.

I was driving home when the song “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go” came on. As a former missionary and having found myself in many unique service positions, I have a history with this song. It began to play when I was half a mile from home.

I also have a history with stopping for people on the side of the road. It was 8:30pm, and lemme tell ya, it’s cold. It’s actually beginning to snow as I sit here in my car.

But as this song began to play, I rounded a corner and started up the final hill before my final stretch. Somebody, definitely an adult with a hood shading their face so I couldn’t tell whether they were female or male, but an adult, certainly older than I. Usually I wouldn’t stop for somebody of this nature in this situation, but as the song played and I neared the last turn, I had to go back. I didn’t figure much would happen, but I had to go back.

I flipped a u-turn and went back. I still couldn’t tell what gender or much else about the person, but I had to stop. I flipped another u-turn and signaled as I approached them, rolling down the window.

The stranger stopped as I came to a halt and I saw that he was a man, probably mid 50’s.

“Are you doing alright?”

He didn’t hear me and came right up to the window.

“Are you doing alright?” I repeated.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”

He was clutching a large thermos in one hand and failing at hiding a beer with his other.

“Are you going far?”

The man’s eyes were wide with surprise as I spoke to him.

“Just another block or so, not too far, thank you for pulling over. Thank you.” He began to step away.

“Alright, have a good night,” I said. I rolled up the window and kept on toward home.

And then I lost it.

Usually I see myself as the helper when I stop, but I realized that Heavenly Father had put that man there to help me. Thoughts of what I am supposed to be doing with my life and that I really am unskilled and useless had been rolling around in my mind the whole ride home, but they were wiped away in an instant. Two very clear phrases came to mind.

I need you. Hold on.

Clearer than a Colorado sky (definitely clearer than a Utah sky, especially today’s).

I need you. Hold on.

If there is one thing I will always do, it is follow a prompting to stop for someone on the side of the road. Maybe that’s what Heavenly Father needs from me; maybe it’s something more, but more than that, He knew what I needed in that moment. To be reminded of who I am, of what I do that nobody else does, and to be reminded that I am needed.

We all do something that nobody else does; we all have something about us that is totally unique to us. It all fits together in our Father’s great plan; every single one of us is needed to turn all the cogs in the clock.

I am needed. I have a purpose. Perhaps right now I’m practicing for something bigger; being perfected for some future moment. I just need to hold on.

I didn’t necessarily intend to give the man a ride (I have some sense of self-preservation still), and I don’t think he intended to accept one, but maybe he was having a similar day to mine? Maybe me pulling over and acknowledging his presence on the planet was more attention than he had gotten all day? I’ll probably never know. But I know when Heavenly Father sends angels my way and I can only hope to be one of those angels for somebody else by following promptings, doing what is right, and loving everybody with whom I come into contact.

It might not make a difference to me, but it could make a world of difference to someone else.