I Know I Don't Know

     Disclaimer: The audience for this piece is people affiliated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it is written using specific terminology familiar mostly to church members, but anyone is welcome to read it and I am happy to explain anything you may have questions about if you just DM me, or you can always use the search bar on www.churchofjesuschrist.org if you prefer an anonymous approach 😊

 

Several months ago, I went to a small institute class for the first time, having just visited the temple a few days prior and with some questions on my mind. At some point, the instructor opened up the class for discussion of our personal studies and queries and I made mine.

“If Elohim gave two contradicting commandments in the Garden of Eden, what is to say that He hasn’t given us contradicting commandments now?”

The instructor asked me to clarify, and I described my understanding of the commandments given in the Garden. One was not to partake of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; the other was to multiply and replenish the Earth. If they were to partake of the fruit, they would have knowledge and be in the position of being able to multiply and replenish the Earth, however, so long as they did not eat of the fruit, they would not be in the position of being able to multiply and replenish the Earth. One could not be accomplished without neglecting the other.

I had been pondering on the question deeply for days and posed it more looking for confirmation of my theory than anything, since it seemed and still seems to make the most sense to me, especially given the contradictions that I encounter at church regularly and more frequently it seems recently, e.g.:

    ‘You are unique and your spirit is distinctive… but you won’t make it to exaltation without a partner!’

    ‘Women are essential and powerful at church… but they cannot hold callings with seats on the stand!’

    ‘Don’t judge others for their sins… but make sure you don’t support them either!’

    ‘Be humble and modest… but make sure you follow the dress code for Sunday!’

    ‘Love your neighbor and be a peacemaker… but make sure to cause contention telling them they’re sinners!’

These are exaggerated for simplicity’s sake and some stem from culture rather than doctrine (we can talk about Nephi and Laban if you’d like, or polygamy, or black people and the priesthood), but I know I am not alone in having witnessed or heard similar ideas expressed.

Besides these contradictions, I personally struggle with the contradiction I face regarding motherhood and singledom. Though I strive to keep a healthy body and mind and have dreams of growing roots someday, everything I’ve read has told me I would not be supported by the church if I were to adopt a child by myself or with a co-parent, even as much as members of the church are pushed to grow their families and protect children.

Though I didn’t specify all this to the instructor, I did clarify what I meant, and he came back with an answer that I continue to puzzle about occasionally.

The instructor was rather adamant in his denial that contradictions could exist amongst the commandments and pointed out that if there were contradictory commandments, we would live in a hopeless world; none of us would have any hope of being able to keep them all; none of us would have any hope of being completely clean.

I puzzle at this because, well… isn’t that kind of the whole point of having and believing in a Savior? Isn’t the entire idea of Jesus Christ that we cannot be clean, we cannot enter God’s presence without employing His Everlasting Atonement? Isn’t that what gives us hope? Believing that there could not be contradictory commandments simply because then it would be impossible for us to return to Heavenly Father on our own is to say that in theory, any one of us could have enacted the Atonement if we had just tried harder.

But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

As I watched general conference over this last weekend, I did everything I could to take the conference for what it is. Many times, I find myself looking for some grand change in church policy during conference, and though that would be the place to find it if something like that were to happen, the reality is that more than anything else, conference is advertised as an opportunity to hear inspired messages from church leaders and receive personal revelation through prayer and seeking of the Holy Spirit. I find myself looking for something that is not there, like opening a Brandon Sanderson novel hoping I’ll find a Colleen Hoover one instead.

(I’ve actually never read either of those authors lol don’t come for me)

What I learned as I tried to take conference for what it is rather than waiting with bated breath for earth-shattering announcements (though I was tempted), was that the Lord does give personal and individual revelation and that I am going to be okay.

With the understanding that I have contradictions and ambiguity heavy on the mind lately, here are some of the things that I’ve felt prompted to comment on.

One of the speakers shared about the idea of absolute truth and the denial of such by current generations. I believe that there are ‘absolute truths’ in the world and in the gospel. Among these truths are the following:

    1.       There is a God.

    2.       I’m not Him lol

    3.       None of y’all are Him either

Call it a lack of faith or a lack of understanding or a learning opportunity, call it whatever you will, but I am of the firm belief that anybody claiming to know exactly what God meant, means, or will mean is possibly at risk of thinking a little too highly of themself. I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; I saw what happened to Cate Blanchett when she asked the aliens to know everything. Girlie pop got INCINERATED. I don’t usually take my gospel advice from Indiana Jones but like… sometimes.

What I’m getting at is that of all the ‘absolute truths’ there could be, I lean on the knowledge that none of us as mortals will ever comprehend the full will of God. Every one of us, including God’s prophet, learns step by step, line upon line, precept upon precept. We are not given meat before we are able to chew; we are not asked to run faster than we are able. Though I do believe that God calls a mouthpiece to direct and facilitate church proceedings, I also believe that those seers and revelators are mortals and susceptible to implicit bias amongst other things. I believe that God will not reveal precious truths to a people who is not prepared for them (Law of Moses anyone?); I believe that God will not cast His pearls before swine.

Though I’m sure my rhetoric hints at it, I am of course getting to one of the most blatantly apparent contradictions on my mind: the complex relationship between the church and any person that does not identify as cis-gendered and heterosexual.

Let me be very clear about this: I love and stand with all my siblings in this earthly family. I will be at your same-sex wedding (whether you like it or not lol), I will use your pronouns (everyone has them!), and I will forget your dead name (and your real name lol my bad). And furthermore, I will never judge a person for the way they handle their intersection of church and identity. It has never been my job to judge; it has always been my job to love. I don’t intend to take up the former appointment anytime soon.

I struggle with this topic. I struggle feeling complete faith in the way the church works currently in regards to the LGBTQIA+ community. I struggle to believe that our doctrinal knowledge of identity is complete.

I hear a lot of people tell me not to lean on my hope of further knowledge being revealed; on my hope of a different future for my siblings on earth, and to them I would like to simply say: I think I will, actually. Because what is the gospel if not hope? Ether 12:4: “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world[…].”

I choose to live with hope. I choose to live with understanding and acceptance and in solidarity with every person who has lost theirs. I choose to live with my heart on my sleeve and my doors wide open. I choose to omit discussion of my religion where it causes pain. I choose the first two commandments over the rest of them any day.

Does that make me a sinner? Probably.

Does it make me a saint? I mean… like maybe a little tiny bit, you know? I think there’s as much saint in everyone as there is sinner.

And I think it’s fruitless to compare who is getting the best grade when we’re all taking different tests. I think it’s naïve to assume we’re even in the same class.

If you know me, you know I could go on yapping for days, but I think it’s best to do these kinds of things in doses, so I’ll stop there. Only way I’ll judge any of you is if you read this whole thing. Y’all crazy! For real though, I always welcome feedback and am happy to discuss any part of this more in depth (over a longer time period with breaks for mental and spiritual clarity lol) whether privately or in the comments.

Big love to all! I know that God loves us. I know that Jesus lives. I know the Spirit guides us. And I know that I don’t know 😊

I Need You. Hold On.

Sometimes Heavenly Father lets you know He’s there when you least expect it and when you least realize you need it. The Spirit has a way of speaking to minds and hearts that I will never fully understand or be able to appreciate, but I get closer in moments like this.

It’s been a week. Let me just be frank and say that something happened with a boy this week that has made me very sad and reminded me once again that without some sort of relationship drama in my head, I am forced to face the vast emptiness of the void and the ever-present self-criticizing thoughts of having no worth or purpose. For some people, not having a purpose is not a problem. It makes things easier, and I guess in a way I can sort of get that, but I’m not that way. Perhaps it comes from the firm belief that we all have a purpose, and I know that each one is important, and I am constantly vigilant to make sure I am fulfilling mine.

I know that thoughts that I don’t have a purpose come from Satan because fortunately, I have come from a very dark place into a place of light and have been surrounded in the moments when it counted the most by people and influences that assured me that not only do I have a purpose, but I’ve got an important purpose.

But on nights like tonight, when it feels like the people I’m trying to care about don’t want me to care about them, or don’t care that I do because I’m not the right person; on nights like tonight when I’m just tired of losing and tired of starting over and tired of the game; on nights like tonight when I’ve done all I could to distract myself all day only to find myself so spiritually and mentally tired that I am listening strictly to hymns on the way home; it’s on nights like tonight that Heavenly Father reminds me that He is there and that there is a reason that I am here, even if the grand plan hasn’t quite made itself apparent yet.

I was driving home when the song “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go” came on. As a former missionary and having found myself in many unique service positions, I have a history with this song. It began to play when I was half a mile from home.

I also have a history with stopping for people on the side of the road. It was 8:30pm, and lemme tell ya, it’s cold. It’s actually beginning to snow as I sit here in my car.

But as this song began to play, I rounded a corner and started up the final hill before my final stretch. Somebody, definitely an adult with a hood shading their face so I couldn’t tell whether they were female or male, but an adult, certainly older than I. Usually I wouldn’t stop for somebody of this nature in this situation, but as the song played and I neared the last turn, I had to go back. I didn’t figure much would happen, but I had to go back.

I flipped a u-turn and went back. I still couldn’t tell what gender or much else about the person, but I had to stop. I flipped another u-turn and signaled as I approached them, rolling down the window.

The stranger stopped as I came to a halt and I saw that he was a man, probably mid 50’s.

“Are you doing alright?”

He didn’t hear me and came right up to the window.

“Are you doing alright?” I repeated.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”

He was clutching a large thermos in one hand and failing at hiding a beer with his other.

“Are you going far?”

The man’s eyes were wide with surprise as I spoke to him.

“Just another block or so, not too far, thank you for pulling over. Thank you.” He began to step away.

“Alright, have a good night,” I said. I rolled up the window and kept on toward home.

And then I lost it.

Usually I see myself as the helper when I stop, but I realized that Heavenly Father had put that man there to help me. Thoughts of what I am supposed to be doing with my life and that I really am unskilled and useless had been rolling around in my mind the whole ride home, but they were wiped away in an instant. Two very clear phrases came to mind.

I need you. Hold on.

Clearer than a Colorado sky (definitely clearer than a Utah sky, especially today’s).

I need you. Hold on.

If there is one thing I will always do, it is follow a prompting to stop for someone on the side of the road. Maybe that’s what Heavenly Father needs from me; maybe it’s something more, but more than that, He knew what I needed in that moment. To be reminded of who I am, of what I do that nobody else does, and to be reminded that I am needed.

We all do something that nobody else does; we all have something about us that is totally unique to us. It all fits together in our Father’s great plan; every single one of us is needed to turn all the cogs in the clock.

I am needed. I have a purpose. Perhaps right now I’m practicing for something bigger; being perfected for some future moment. I just need to hold on.

I didn’t necessarily intend to give the man a ride (I have some sense of self-preservation still), and I don’t think he intended to accept one, but maybe he was having a similar day to mine? Maybe me pulling over and acknowledging his presence on the planet was more attention than he had gotten all day? I’ll probably never know. But I know when Heavenly Father sends angels my way and I can only hope to be one of those angels for somebody else by following promptings, doing what is right, and loving everybody with whom I come into contact.

It might not make a difference to me, but it could make a world of difference to someone else.

Stay on the Line, Help is on the Way

((I’m sorry if this ends up being formatted or colored incorrectly; my computer has been dead for months, so I’m creating this post on a non-mobile friendly platform from a mobile device 😅))

This was not in my plans for today. This post was not going to happen; I had no intention of getting home and feeling the need to just sit and process and eventually write.

Throughout my life, I have been consistently bugged by a certain Spirit that causes me to pull over when I see someone walking or wheeling along the sidewalk, or the dirt shoulder, or sitting in the parking lot, and ask if they are in need of help. 99 times out of 100 I end up passing by when this feeling strikes, and almost every time I find myself weaving my way back to where I saw them either to see that they are gone, or to speak to them and them not need anything, or to just chicken out and drive past yet again. I’ve gotten accustomed to the pull of this feeling and despite knowing that I’ll probably never actually come across a person in real need, I always heed the feeling, just in case. 

Today when I got off work, the highway was backed up BAD, and I wasn’t about to deal with it, so I pulled off and decided to take the long way home over Traverse Mountain and through Lehi. As I came down the mountain, I decided I would stay on the back roads and go through Highland, where I’ve never driven before.

I promise, I’m really not a creep, but I definitely pay attention to the people I drive past. Being a single young woman and having a will to live, there are only certain types of people I feel comfortable approaching, so when I drove past a younger-than-me woman toting several bags, she definitely looked like a person I would be able to approach alone. 

Usually this is when the feeling would slap me, but honestly, I didn’t really feel anything. I just thought, “boy, if she were in need of help, I would actually be able to!” 

I drove past her and then thought, “Well... what if she is in need of help?”

The feeling tugged a little bit, but not enough for me to turn around. I drove another mile or two when I thought, “I’m just a few miles from home, I won’t even remember I drove past her in a few hours.”

But... I knew that was a lie. 

So, now several miles away, I took the next chance to turn around. I got lost on some back road and got trapped on a one way street going over a bunch of speed bumps and lemme tell ya, by the time I was back to the main road where I had seen her, I was about ready to just go home. 

Then I had to make a left hand turn over four lanes of traffic in Utah (the worst place in the entire world to make a left hand turn) but miraculously, both directions were clear when I reached the stop sign. I took the turn, drove down the road a bit, looking left where I had seen her, and thought she had disappeared, until suddenly I saw her on my right, too late to stop though. 

I thought, well, I’ll never be able to reach her now, I would have to go BACK around and do another u-turn to be on the right side of the road to pull over, so I resolved to just take a right ahead and see if my GPS could direct me home. 

I took the right. 

And then I grit my teeth and huffed... and took another right so that I could turn around and pass by her again. 

I came out of a neighborhood on the wrong side of her, seeing as she was now sitting at a bus stop and thought, “See, she has a ride! She doesn’t need anything!” I would have had to take another left over four lanes of traffic, then a u-turn over that same traffic and then pull over in order to get to her. 

Honestly at that point, it wasn’t even about helping her anymore, it had become a competition. How many obstacles can Elizabeth dodge before she tires of the game and goes home? 

Well my Momma didn’t raise no quitter.

So you better believe I did TWO MORE LEFT TURNS over FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC because I couldn’t legally do a u-turn and had to turn into another neighborhood. 

I was preparing myself for the usual conversation as I finally rounded the corner toward her:

“Hi! Do you need a ride somewhere?”

“No, thanks!”

“Okay, have a good one!”

And then I would drive home, but at least I wouldn’t ever have to wonder if she had needed something.

I turned my hazards on and rolled down my window as I rolled to a stop in front of her. She stood up immediately and I asked if she needed a ride somewhere. 

A few half-formed sentences fell out of her mouth before she started crying and climbed into my car with all her things. 

“My mom just kicked me out because I’m pregnant.”

I sat somewhat in unbelief as she poured out her heart to me for several moments. She collected herself after a second and said she needed to get to the Trax station. 

I started in that direction and asked her if she had somewhere to stay, if she had support. She did. She explained the full situation to me and I wish I had had better words. I wish I had known what to say, but I didn’t. 

I heard a story recently of a man who was present as his neighbor’s house burned down. To paraphrase: all you can do when someone’s house is burning down is stand beside them and watch. 

I understood that feeling a lot more in that moment, and I hope that my lack of profound advice wasn’t detrimental, but all I could do was sit beside her and listen. 

I gave her my contact information and she thanked me as she got out at the station. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again or if she’ll ever contact me, but I do know I had a profound realization as I drove home.

This situation put a lot of things in perspective for me. Of all the days of the week for the highway to be backed up, it was today, Wednesday. Of all the days for me to decide I could use the scenic view on top of the mountain, it was today. Of all three of the routes my GPS presented me with, I chose the one that would have me pass by this young woman. Of all the other people I passed along the way, I saw her. Of all the times I had to circle back around, I didn’t stop. Of all the personalities I could have developed over my life, I developed one that isn’t afraid to talk to strangers or take the long way home. Of all the times I ever felt the tug to stop for someone, it was this time that I acted almost more out of habit than of being compelled to.

The point is, somehow, I was brought to that moment and that girl at the time she needed it. 

Call it fate if you will, but for me, if that’s not proof enough that God exists and that He is mindful of each and every one of His children, I don’t know what is. 

I’ve been struggling feeling like I have any sort of purpose over the past couple of years, but even if all of my struggles and all of the bumps and bruises along this path, even if not being able to go to school, losing family members, not being able to join the Army, getting shingles, moving to Utah against my will and being almost constantly lonely, even if this whole crazy ride was just so that I would end up on that road today helping that one young woman to not feel so alone, it would be worth it.

Our Savior did a lot more than that for each and every single one of us and not just in order to give us a ride to the Trax station; He did it to save us from death, both physical and spiritual, and provide a way back to our earthly and heavenly families for all eternity. Even if He had suffered all that He did for just one of us, I know He would feel the same way. It would be worth it.

You are worth it. You are worth EVERYTHING to the Lord. Even when that is hard to hear, even when you feel bitter and angry, please try to remember this. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and He wants to help us. Sometimes help just gets a little lost along the way; sometimes help has to make three left turns over four lanes of traffic in Utah, but help is on the way. I promise. Keep praying and hoping and searching for whatever it is you need; Heavenly Father loves you and He hears you. Just hold on. 

The Big Box Theory

Over the past almost five months that I’ve lived in Utah, I have experienced a phenomenon and trial that I never expected to have to face and I have come to sum up my experience with one single question: why is it so much harder to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Utah than anywhere else?

Never in my life, including when I was actually inactive, have I found it so difficult to be an active and participating member of the church. This doesn’t mean that I have come to believe any less in the principles and truths of the gospel; I know that this is the true church and that this gospel is the same one that Jesus Christ himself established here on the earth. The Spirit testifies to me of gospel truths on a regular basis; this phenomenon has little to do with the actual substance of the gospel and much more to do with the culture of church members.

You would think that living in a place where there are church buildings every two blocks and entire apartment complexes filled with only members of the church, where you can easily spot at least eight temples within an hour and a half drive along the same highway, where they ask you for applicable mission experiences in job interviews rather than on-the-job experiences, where if a temple recommend is spotted on the ground it’s not just mistaken for trash, where everybody knows what a CTR ring is, where coffee shops have more than just one non-coffee or tea drink and even versions without coffee in them, you would think in a place like this that it would be easy to be a member of the church.

But perhaps that is exactly why it isn’t.

I have been living in Orem for almost five months and I have no more LDS friends here now than when I first arrived. Of course I have acquaintances and people to talk to at church, but I don’t have any friends. I haven’t ever fit in the box in a church sense and I was expecting to not fit in, but the box is a lot bigger here and I think at some point I got tossed in and forgotten. Not just me though; I think at some point the box got so big that everybody got tossed in without any sort of care or inventory check, like that box of papers you’re not sure you’ll need when you move so you keep all of them just in case and then never look at them again. It begs the question: is this how Heavenly Father intended life to be?

I know it isn’t.

We were each created with a divine purpose; Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created each of us. He made us individually; sculpted our spirits from some divine existential matter, and sent us here to earth to live out our specially modified lives and be unlike anybody else. 

Why, then, don’t I feel that way? Why, in the midst of all these people that are aware of that same truth, do I feel like a number? Like a piece of paper that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things? Why is it so easy to get lost in the crowd? And why is it so hard to connect with other members of the church?

I have a theory.

We’ll call it the Big Box Theory.

It revolves around the idea that the bigger the box, the less important each of the things inside becomes. 

We were each sent here to earth individually, sometimes in twos, sometimes threes, even up to eight, but we each made our entrance into the world independently. Our spirits are each housed in their own bodies. In essence, we all came down in our own box, wrapped by Heavenly Father himself (I can only imagine with lots of help from Heavenly Mother). How important then, does that make each of us? 

Immeasurably and completely and totally. The most important creation Heavenly Father has ever made is you. 

This Big Box is not a creation of Heavenly Father. The Big Box comes from somewhere else. *points down*

The Big Box takes all the significance of one of our individual boxes and distributes it over everything inside, so rather than using two scoops of hot chocolate powder in one glass of milk, it puts two scoops of hot chocolate powder in more than 16,000,000 glasses worth of milk, and I’m no scientist but something tells me that hot chocolate is going to taste a lot like milk. 

Perhaps even worse than the Big Box itself, is the Big Barrier it creates between those inside and those outside. Heavenly Father is very organized, but I’m pretty sure He’s not the one that organized all the members of the church into one box and everyone else into another. *points down again*

If any additional boxes should exist, it should be one Behemoth Box that includes all of humanity because whether you realize it or not, members and non-members alike are all human and deserve to be treated as such. 

It has been overwhelming the number of people I have met, whether in the workplace or otherwise, that have been surprised to hear that I am a member of the church, not because I don’t strive to live the gospel, but because I do. I strive to live the gospel that I know and love, and the gospel that I know and love has nothing to do with boxes. 

The gospel that I know and love includes everybody; it encourages love and empathy; it helps people when they’re down, whether they’re a member of the church or not. The gospel that I know and love doesn’t distinguish between classes, or status, or spirituality. The gospel that I know and love isn’t rote; it’s real. 

The teachings of Jesus Christ, the Plan of Salvation, the Restoration of the gospel, the sacred work done in temples, praying and reading the scriptures and fasting, and above all, loving one another: that is my gospel. I refuse to let Satan think that I, or anybody else, belong in a box besides the one and only unique packaging in which Heavenly Father sent me. 

Sometimes it’s easier to look at the towering walls that have been built up around us and turn the other way. It’s easy to forget about our own specific purpose and worth when we can’t see the purpose and worth of others around us, but in the end, the Big Box is made of cardboard. Just take it down.

I don’t imagine this will probably reach that many people, and I really don’t imagine that it will make some immense change happen in the world, but this realization has helped start an immense change in me and I am determined to do my part in living the way Christ would have me live and recognizing not only my own value, but the value of each Spirit with which I come in contact. 

I love the gospel. I love Jesus Christ. I love Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I am so grateful for the strength I receive each day from the knowledge of these things and more and I can only hope to improve and change continually to become the person I am meant to be, and I encourage you to do so as well, whoever you are, wherever you are, whether you believe in God or not. The only way any of us is going to get out of this Big Box is by deciding to do it for ourselves. I know that we can. 

...and the Army Goes Rolling Along

(Español abajo)

Hello folks!

Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything here and from the pictures I posted on Facebook with this link, you’re probably wondering, “Is this for real? Is she INSANE??” 

I think we all know the answer to that.

Yes, I am.

But I figure it’s only fair to let you in on the secrets of my mad mind. 

To put any doubts to rest about the meaning of my pictures, let me start by saying that I have decided to enlist in the Army!

If you’re surprised, you can just take that feeling and multiply it by about 700,000 and that’s about how surprised I am. This entire process and decision has been an extremely spiritual experience for me and I am convinced that I have been led to this new path and opportunity by Heavenly Father. Never had I imagined myself joining the military in any capacity; in the entire course of my life between wanting to be an actress, a scientist, a ventriloquist, an astronaut, a spy, or any other thing I may have set my heart to, I had never put any thought into being in the military, but I am a firm believer of following promptings from the Holy Spirit, no matter where they may take you, so here I am!

About a month ago my brother Jeffrey graduated from basic training and I was able to attend his graduation in Missouri. Long story short, in the conversations I had with my brother and upon watching those corny Army recruiter videos they show, I became more and more interested in learning about the ROTC program. In the fifteen hour drive home, I had more than enough time to research and investigate to my heart’s content, and by the time we arrived home, I was pretty well decided. I wanted to be in ROTC. 

Fast forward a bit: the next week I went to the recruiters, fully expecting them to try to convince me to enlist immediately, but I was going to stand my ground. I did for the first couple of days, but I soon felt a prompting to investigate further what they were telling me about going into the reserves. As I researched and talked to people and found out more, I was having stronger and stronger impressions to enlist and go active duty. This idea terrified me more than anything else ever has, so I decided to go to the temple for guidance and direction. 

A large part of me was hoping to receive an answer something to the tune of, “Elizabeth Annette, what the heck are you thinking? Are you crazy?? Stop this RIGHT NOW,” but a bit to my dismay, the answer I received was a little different. 

I have learned that many times when we pray and ask ambiguous or vague questions, it’s harder to receive an answer, but if we make a decision and pray for confirmation, we are  practically guaranteed an answer. The question I asked in the temple that day was not whether or not I should join the Army, but rather the statement that I had decided to join the Army and the question of whether that was the right decision. 

The answer I received was a resounding, “Yes.”

So, despite the many fears I have to take on this new challenge and adventure, I know that this is the way Heavenly Father wants me to go right now. Who knows if it will continue being the right way, but for now, I know that it is. 

Now before you go all, “But Elizabeth, you don’t know what you’re getting into,” on me, let me say just one thing:

I am well aware of how much I don’t know what I’m getting into. 

My all time favorite scripture that has kept me company through many walks of my life is found in 1 Nephi 4:6 and part of 7. It reads, “And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. / Nevertheless I went forth…” 

I know that I am being led by the Spirit down this path; I know that He would never lead me astray. I’m also aware of how challenging and difficult this is going to be, but I know that I will never be alone during this process. To quote one of my favorite hymns, “The Lord is my light: then why should I fear?” 

Of course, I am terrified, I think any normal human should be terrified upon making a decision like this, but I take peace in knowing that this is not just some irrational and sudden choice, but rather a carefully investigated and inspired choice. 

So there ya go! That’s it! I’m joining the Army! Hoorah!

The end.

P.S. For anybody that is just dying to know more details, here are just a couple: I’m planning on working as a cryptologic linguist, so I’ll be learning at least one new language, which is what my goal has been all along! I probably won’t be shipping off to basic training until late January or February because I’ve got some preparing to do (if you know me, you know how much I loathe running), aaaand that’s actually about all I know. Feel free to ask me any other questions and I’ll answer them to the best of my knowledge and abilities!

Hola a todos!

Bueno, ha sido un buen tiempo desde que publiqué algo aquí, y de las fotos que publiqué en Facebook, probablemente se están preguntando, “Qué honda? Ella está LOCA??”

Creo que todos sabemos la respuesta.

Sí, la estoy. 

Pero supongo que solo es justo que se enteren de los secretos de mi mente insana. 

Para resolver cualquier duda sobre el significado de mis fotos, voy a empezar al decir que he decidido entrar al Ejercito!

Si estás sorprendido, puedes tomar ese sentimiento y multiplicarlo por 700000 y eso es el nivel de sorpresa que estoy sintiendo yo. Todo de este proceso y esta decisión ha sido una experience extremadamente espiritual y estoy convencida de que se me ha guiado a este nuevo camino y oportunidad por el Padre Celestial. Jamás me había imaginado entrando en las fuerzas armadas en ninguna capacidad; en todo el curso de mi vida entre queriendo ser actriz, científica, ventrílocua, astronauta, espía, o cualquier otra cosa que quería mi corazón, nunca jamás había pensado en entrar a las fuerzas armadas, pero soy creyente de seguir a las impresiones del Espíritu Santo, no importa a donde te llevan, así que, aquí estoy!

Alrededor de un mes atrás, mi hermano Jeffrey se graduó de su entrenamiento básico para el ejercito y pude yo asistir a su graduación en Misuri. Para ser más breve, al conversar con mi hermano y al ver los videos medios chistosos que te muestran, llegué a tener más y más interés en aprender del programa ROTC. En las 15 horas de viaje de vuelta a nuestra casa, tuve más que el tiempo suficiente para investigar cuanto que quería mi corazón, y al llegar a casa, ya había decidido. Quería entrar en el programa ROTC.

Un poco más adelante: la próxima semana, fui al reclutador, sabiendo que iban a intentar a convencerme entrar inmediatamente al ejercito, pero iba a permanecer firme. Lo hice por los primeros días, pero muy pronto sentí la impresión de investigar más lo que me estaban diciendo de entrar en las reservas. Al investigar y hablar con algunas personas y encontrar mas información, tuve impresiones cada vez más fuertes de entrar inmediatamente al servicio activo. Esta idea me dio muchísimo miedo, más que cualquier otra cosa, así que decidí ir al templo para pedir guía y dirección. 

Una parte bien grande de mi quería recibir una respuesta parecida a lo siguiente: “Elizabeth Annette, qué en el mundo estás pensando? Estás loca?? Basta YA,” pero un poco para mi consternación, la respuesta que recibí fue un poco diferente.

He aprendido que muchas veces cuando oramos y preguntamos cosas ambiguas o vagas, es más difícil recibir una respuesta, pero si tomamos una decisión y oramos para  la confirmación de ella, prácticamente se no garantiza una respuesta. La pregunta que hice ese día en el templo no fue si debo de entrar en el ejercito o no, sino fue una declaración que había decidido entrar al ejercito y la pregunta de si eso era la decisión correcta. 

La respuesta que recibí era un resonante, “Sí.”

Entonces, a pesar de los miedos que tengo al enfrentar este nuevo desafío y aventura, sé que este es el camino que el Padre Celestial quiere que tome en este momento. Quien sabe si seguirá así, pero por ahora, sé lo hará.

Ahora, antes de que digan todos, “Pero Elizabeth, no sabes a lo que te estás metiendo,” déjenme decir una cosa:

Estoy bien consciente de exactamente cuanto que no sé a lo que me estoy metiendo. 

Mi escritura preferida de todas y que me ha acompañado por muchas fases de mi vida se encuentra en 1 Nefi 4:6 y parte del 7. Dice, “E iba guiado por el Espíritu, sin saber de antemano lo que tendría que hacer. / No obstante, seguí adelante…”

Sé que estoy siendo guiada por el Espíritu en este camino; sé que nunca me extraviaría. También estoy consciente de cuan desafiante y difícil que va a ser esto, pero sé que nunca estaré sola durante este proceso. Para citar uno de mis himnos preferidos, “Jesús es mi luz, y no temeré.”

Por supuesto, estoy aterrorizada, creo que cualquier humano normal debe de estar aterrorizado al tomar una decisión así, pero tengo paz al saber que esta no es una decisión irracional e imprevisto, sino una decisión cuidadosamente investigada e inspirada.

Así que eso! Es todo! Voy a entrar al ejercito! Hoorah!

Fin.

P.D. Para aquellos que están muriendo para saber unas detalles, aquí están algunas: estoy planificando trabajar de lingüista criptológica, así que estaré aprendiendo hablar por lo menos un idioma más, lo cual ha sido mi meta desde el principio! Probablemente no me van a enviar al entrenamiento básico hasta el final de enero o durante febrero porque tengo que prepararme un poco (si me conoces, sabes cuanto que odio al correr), yyyyy de hecho eso es todo lo que sé. Siéntanse libres de preguntarme cualquier otra cosa y les responderé lo mejor que pueda! 

"Surely Death Has Lost its Sting"

We never really know what we have until it is gone and many times it takes a difficult trial to realize just how aware of us the Lord is and how active He is in our lives. Sometimes we don't realize we have a lesson to learn until it is forced upon us, in the same way that we don't always realize our strength until it is put to the test. We all experience a myriad of seemingly pointless yet excruciating trials in this life, but I bear witness and testify that each and every single one of them has a purpose, whether or not we can pin point it. We will all experience loss, heartbreak, regret, fear, hopelessness, anger, etc. at some point, but it is only through experiencing the lowest of lows that we have the capacity to fully enjoy our highest of highs. 

I’ve decided to start with the message since the rest of this post is going to be  the nitty gritty details; what everybody has been asking me for weeks, thought I’m of the opinion that the details don’t matter nearly as much as the message they portray. 

I haven’t posted since now because I could not find the appropriate words; I wasn’t even really sure what I was feeling, that is once I had finally stopped denying my feelings and decided they needed to be acknowledged.

Today I went to the temple and found some of the words I needed, and though they don’t nearly account for all the details, I’ve determined that they are good enough for now. 

On July 1st of 2017, my grandma passed away, about two weeks after having been diagnosed with skin cancer. It wasn’t so much that she passed away, but what preceded her death that has had me unable to communicate for the last month. 

When my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, she was living alone in her own apartment nearly an hour and a half’s drive from where I live. She had been perfectly fine; she had been driving that week, functioning normally; everything was fine, so when I was asked to stay with my grandma for the weekend since she had become nauseous and dizzy, I had no idea the gravity of the situation. 

It soon became very apparent. A formal doctor’s visit confirmed that she had Melanoma, but I didn’t need to know that to see that something was going awry. By the end of my second day with my grandma, she could no longer walk by herself, though she had had no previous problems whatsoever. I remember distinctly the moment I knew something was very wrong: I got up to get a glass of water and turned around to see my grandma walking towards me and then stumbling in her dizziness and nearly falling into a table. 

That was the last time she walked by herself.

From there it only worsened. A tumor in her brain stem was creating pressure which was rapidly paralyzing her body (though mostly the right side), manifesting first in her eyes, then her legs, her throat and lungs, and then her arms and hands. The decline was extremely rapid and despite immediate action to start radiation treatments, steroids, etc., I always had a nagging feeling at the back of mind that this battle was going to be over very soon. 

Despite this whisper, surely from the Spirit in order to prepare me, I continued caring for my grandmother 24/7, “sleeping” on the floor in front of her couch where she always slept so that I could be there as soon as she needed me at 3am or whatever time it may be, helping her get to and from the bathroom, making sure she ate something since she had lost her appetite, encouraging her when she couldn’t swallow all the pills, or even a sip of water, calming her down after random crying fits and long days of appointments, reading her texts to her when she lost the ability to do so herself, carrying her when her legs no longer functioned, helping her do her hair when she couldn’t reach up high enough to do it anymore, feeding her when her hands no longer worked, trying desperately not to show how scared I really was so that she wouldn’t have to feel that way either. 

It was the next Saturday morning when I was to be relieved from duty for a day by a friend of the family. As I left the apartment and told my grandma goodbye, it was apparent by our tears that we both knew we weren’t going to see each other in that apartment again. 

Sunday morning she was taken to the emergency room where we were informed that the tumor on her brain stem had something like quadrupled in size since it had first been scanned, a mere six days prior, and was inoperable because of its placement, though my grandma didn’t want surgery anyway. The respiratory doctor told us her lungs were filling with fluid and there was no solution (besides an extremely dangerous and painful operation that she so kindly described in great detail for us).

That was the last day I held conversation with my grandmother. 

Monday morning she was put in hospice and was mostly unresponsive until she passed on Saturday around noon. 

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m not one to ask “why?”

But this experience has made me ask that exact question in excess, and though I believe there will always be a lingering “why?”, I have also been blessed to understand some of the reasons, and to be at peace not understanding. 

To echo what I stated in the beginning of this, sometimes we don’t realize our strength until it is put to the test, and I would add that we don’t realize the Lord’s strength until we put it to the test. 

Being able to put on a smile each day, muster encouraging words, even the physical act of lifting Grandma, are on a list of things for which I will forever thank the Lord I could do. I know with every fiber of my being that I was not alone with Grandma for even a second during that week. I testify that angels exist and that God answers prayers. 

The Lord’s strength is unfathomable; His reach is infinite; His love is all-encompassing. Just when I thought my body couldn’t handle it, in the moment when I didn’t know if I would be able to take Grandma to the bathroom one more time, in the final moments before I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, He was there. He was there for me and He was there for her, and He will be there for you, too. There is no task we cannot accomplish with the Lord’s help; no burden we cannot carry when He is by our side; no battle we cannot finish. I know this to be true. 

The Lord loves us and he listens to our prayers; He will provide us with what we need (though not always what we want). He hears our pleas and cries for help, and though He does not always remove our difficulties entirely, He will lighten our load so that we might carry it a bit easier. I was witness to that in the small things: I told my mom one day after church that I was really craving oatmeal cream pies and when I got back to Grandma’s house, there were oatmeal cream pies on the table. As I waited for my grandma to return from a radiation appointment, I ran across one of my favorite TV shows that I never get to watch. As the fear and panic started to sink in that last Friday night and Grandma became significantly less cognizant, my uncle stayed the entire night with us, refusing to leave because he “had a date with Candy Crush.” 

The Lord is in the little things; He is in the big things; He is in everything. 

And despite experiencing something as, for lack of a better word, traumatic as I did, I cannot deny the immeasurable gratitude I have to have been able to be with my grandma and show her every ounce of love I had left for those last two weeks. 

As I drove to the temple today and tried to think of some of the words I was going to say, a pair of songs helped me determine what they would be.

One song, “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go” as sung by the BYU Men’s Chorus, struck me with a new meaning. I have had a very hard time adjusting from my mission; I feel like I’m not doing anything of worth here as I was there and it has motivated me to change some of my previous plans in order to be on the path to a career that allows me to travel and help others as much as possible. Many of my plans have been foiled and I have been very much stuck in a rut, but as I heard the words to this song (for perhaps the billionth time), they took on a whole new meaning. 

It may not be on the mountain height

Or over the stormy sea,

It may not be at the battle’s front

My Lord will have need of me.

…

Perhaps today there are loving words

Which Jesus would have me speak

…

So trusting my all to thy tender car,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I’ll be what you want me to be.

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord,

I’ll be what you want me to be.

Especially in this day and age, with the society we live in, there is a great need and desire to help and to make a difference, but sometimes the biggest difference we can make is hiding right under our noses; sometimes it’s right across the fence, down the road, in your own kitchen even. Don’t let Satan fool you into thinking you’re not doing anything just because you’re not doing what the world considers to be great. True greatness hides in the shadows; true greatness is manifested through charity and integrity; true greatness will show when standing at the judgement bar on the last day being told, “well done.” 

The Lord has been foiling my plans with a purpose, I am sure of it (sometimes more sure than others), but I know that there is no place I would have rather been, nor that the Lord would rather I had been, than with Grandma for that week.

The other song, “The Dying Soldier” (I listened to it as sung by the BYU Men’s and Women’s Chorus and Philharmonic) struck me a bit harder. It is written from the point of view of a soldier who is dying on the battlefield. He speaks briefly of his suffering, the fact that he will never see his wife or children again, he asks that a letter be written to his wife, and then comes the part that hit me so hard today.

Oh brother, I am dying now,

Oh, I do die so easy.

Surely Death has lost its sting

Because I love my Jesus.

I can think of no better expression of my feelings than that. 

This has not been a pleasant journey, but after all is said and done, I can say with confidence that “Death has lost its sting because I love my Jesus.” I know where Grandma is. I know the plan of salvation. I know that this is but another journey, another chapter in her eternity. 

I do not know the underlying “why?” this had to happen, especially in the manner that it did, but I am at peace. 

And with that I am satisfied.

I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that families can be together forever. I know without so much as a shred of doubt, that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and beautiful and I testify that it is a source of light in what is becoming a very dark world. I know that we are all instruments in God’s hands for doing good and spreading love. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us infinitely and without conditions. Of these things I bear solemn witness in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

The Golden Rule

So, let’s talk about the race for president this year. I have some opinions, but let me bring to your attention that none of my opinions have to do with the actual candidates. Because since when was it my job to judge somebody just because they sin differently than me?

Oh that’s right, it’s not. 

We live in a society that is constantly throwing opposite ideas at us and this might just be one of the biggest ones I have seen yet. 

We see all the time people posting pictures of inspiring quotes about not judging others, about accepting everybody how they are, helping people who are struggling or who don’t understand certain concepts yet, however these same people then post things on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. “[candidate] is sexist.” “[candidate] is a liar.”

Okay.

And have you looked in the mirror lately?

Alright, maybe your flaws aren’t the same flaws, but they’re there.

Granted, you aren’t running for president, so you’ve got that going for you, but then again, you aren’t running for president so who are you to judge those who are? 

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” (John 8:7)

There are no conditions in that story. The woman that Jesus Christ himself saved was an adulterer. “And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

Now let’s take a moment to put this into perspective. 

We are all children of God and His love for us is infinite. So infinite in fact, that He sent His only begotten son to the earth to atone for our sins that we might have the chance to live with Him again. Jesus Christ suffered, was crucified, and was resurrected, all for us. 

For every single one of us.

Obviously, we must learn to accept him in our lives and use the atonement that he has provided, but just picture Jesus putting himself in front of the adulterer to protect her, or in front of yourself, your brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, children and grandchildren…

[insert name of presidential candidate]

Are they not children of God, too?

Fortunately in the story that the Bible portrays, the people realized pretty quick that none of them were without sin and nobody threw a rock, but today, the situation is not the same. Today, people are hurling rocks at anybody and anything, people we don’t even know personally, even friends and on occasion, our own family members, not only blood-related but in our family of faith. 

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Matthew 25:40)

So those rocks you’re throwing, are you really throwing them at a presidential candidate? At a work colleague? At a brother or sister?

Or are they all hitting that one person that put himself in front of them to protect them? 

Is this not exactly what Satan wants? 

Have we not all fallen into his snare?

Even if we do not agree, even if what they are doing is not morally correct, we do not have the right to judge them as people. That is not our job. 

We as followers of Christ more than ever in these times need to be the light in a world of constant chaos. We should be building others up; not tearing them down, whether they be presidential candidates or relatives. What kind of example are we giving to the people around us (friends, coworkers, bosses, children) as we post degrading or cruel comments or articles? And what kind of behavior are we showing our Father in Heaven?

We are not animals. We are not objects. We choose how to react. 

So are we choosing to be like Christ, “at all times, and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in…”? (Mosiah 18:9)

Or are we letting a presidential race affect our relationship with God?

If you don’t agree with a candidate or consider them unfit, find a different one and get over it. 

Does putting nasty comments on Facebook change anything? Has it ever?

Support righteousness and good morals; don’t waste your time stepping on the other guy. I guarantee it’s going to stick with you a lot longer than with them.

Hypothetical situation time: 

     You’re in the library. You hear a person talking about something you did across the room. You would probably ignore it, am I right?

     Now, you’re still in the library, but this time a person approaches you and addresses you personally about something you’ve done. In this case you might have a bit more interest, no?

Do you get where I’m going here?

It does no good to talk about people, only through talking to people can we get things accomplished. So seeing as none of us will probably ever get the chance to talk face to face with one of the presidential candidates, it’s best we show them with our vote what we think, no nasty Facebook argument necessary. 

Let’s just all get along. Life is hard enough for all of us without throwing this in. Get out of the house for a bit, go for a walk, revel in the fact that you are alive and you are a child of God. Vote wisely and quietly; don’t allow Satan to use you as his tool to create contention. 

Standing up for good morals and righteousness doesn’t mean standing on top of your opponent, it means standing next to them on a bedrock podium of unshakeable testimony and unquestionable virtue, alright people? 

And if after all this you still don’t know who to vote for… vote for yourself!

Just kidding, actually please educate yourself about all the possible candidates, but in the right place (i.e. not social media), and try voting according to your conscience, having taken all factors into account.

The presidential race will end; it’s not going to last forever. In comparison to the eternities we will live and have already lived before this life, this moment in time is nothing. In reality, our decisions right now are both of great and little importance: if the presidential race is causing you to change how you react to situations and comments in a negative way, that will be reflected in a negative light at that great and last day, whereas if we continue to follow Christ, be examples of Him, and love all people, that will also be reflected, but as a virtue. 

So, let’s just remember who we are, what we stand for, and let us always follow the example of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.