la peor semana de TODO LA VIDA

[the worst week of ALL LIFE]

this week

has

been

probably one of the worst weeks of my mission

maybe my entire life

hahaha, but dont worry, it's all good, it's just been

ONE OF THOSE WEEKS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

i have a feeling that all of this happened because i'm getting closer to the end and the adversary really REALLY REALLY doesnt want me to be a happy missionary my last change

but

he is going to fail

I'm starting to feel a weird way like how I felt right before I came here... but also in a different way... just, everything

is 

really hard

and I couldnt even tell you what it is that made this week SO TERRIBLE and SO HARD because we had a relatively good week and actually a whole lot of great things happened but I just felt SO TERRIBLE this week

and I didnt really know why so I spent some time meditating and started doing something that we talked about in our zone class: I started paying more attention to my thoughts, and when I did that, I realized that I was being invaded

Invaded by some real silly thoughts having to do with the work I've done as a missionary. It really is amazing how much our thoughts when we're not paying attention affect our attitudes. 

I began to realize more and more that my thoughts were fairly negative about what I've done here; thinking that I could have tried harder, could have had more success, could have done more contacts, could have had shorter and more powerful lessons, could have called members for all of our lessons, could have participated more in Ward Council, could have baptized more people, the list goes on and on and on and o-o-on (props to those that sang that)

but instead of realizing my thoughts were negative and snapping out of it, I began to think

it's true. All that stuff is true. I am a bad missionary because I didn't do all those things.

Until I began to think more and more

I have failed.

My mission has been a complete and utter failure and I don't know why I'm here now and I don't know why I came if all I did was get yelled at and eat rice with chicken every other day (don't get me wrong, I love rice and chicken, I really do...) and get robbed in the metro

the only thing I did was learn spanish

woohooooooooooooooooo

That's what I was thinking.

And the worst part of it all I think is that I wasn't really wallowing in self-pity for having wasted my own time, but I was in an even bigger hole (sorry i couldnt think of craftier words haha) thinking that I had wasted the Lord's time. That I had disappointed him with what I've done. 

I realized about Saturday afternoon when I started my fast that that was not okay to think and that I have had a purpose and have a purpose here and started to think myself out of it, but I felt like I couldn't do it alone. 

Luckily for me, I didn't have to, nor does anybody have to do it alone. We have our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who is always there to help us and he helps us in a variety of ways. I started with the scriptures and prayer and moved on to my patriarchal blessing and the Liahona and finally decided that I needed to ask for a priesthood blessing, so on Sunday I asked Bishop Negrete if he could give me a blessing. So, good ol' Bishop Negrete in his Bishop Negrete way gave me a blessing and told me a few things that I know 100% he was prompted by the Spirit to tell me and I would like to try and share a few with you all (mixed with my thoughts as well). 

First of all, if we look behind us, we will ALWAYS see things that we could have done better because we are imperfect beings and we always make mistakes, sometimes bigger mistakes than other times, but there are always errors. What happened already happened; what we need to do is repent and move on, not look back and think 'but I could have done so much better' because we will NEVER be happy if we think that way. 

Second, having already repented for the mistakes that I've made, I was confused as to why I still felt bad. The bishop explained that those feelings are from the adversary. He wants us to continue feeling bad and to deny the power of the atonement. When we repent, our sins are washed away completely, end of story. God remembers them no more. So if we continue feeling bad about things that we've already repented for, maybe that's why. The adversary wants us to think that there is no forgiveness, that we can never be better, and more than anything, that the power of Christ's atonement doesnt exist and doesnt work. 

Third, it doesnt matter what we've done in the past; what matters is who we are now. When we are face to face with God in the end, he's not going to judge us on our actions and what we've done, we, based on what we've done, are going to be able to look him in the eyes, or we're not going to be able to; it's a simple as that. 

And he also told me a WHOLE LOT OF OTHER THINGS that I dont have time to write, but just think about those things for a little bit and maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all the things he said and all the things that the Spirit taught me. Just know that I'm better now, and this week is going to be **terrible pulento** 

I know that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me and that He loves all of you too. I know that the work of Salvation is the most important work that exists here on the planet and I invite you all to be a part. I love this work; I love the gospel, I LOVE BEING A MISSIONARY AND I LOVE MY MISSION IT'S THE BEST MISSION IN THE WHOLE WOOOOOOOOOOORLD and most importantly, I love the Lord. And this I leave you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I HAVE ZERO TIME LEFT I LOVE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT WEEK SEE YA LATER

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